Healthy Relationships and Happy Hormones

You connect with the object of your affection and immediately feel that “spark”; your cheeks are flushed, heart’s racing, palms are sweating, and a swarm of butterflies have taken up residence in your stomach. When your person leaves, you can only think about when you’ll see them next. The chemistry is undeniable. You crave their presence, and when you come together again you instantly notice that feel-good surge of joy and excitement throughout your body.

If you’ve ever been in love, or even had a crush, you’ll be familiar with the physical sensations this experience brings. But what’s actually happening in the body to make us feel love drunk when we’re falling for another person, and how does our biochemistry change as we build lasting relationships with deep trust and intimacy?

The biological necessity of attachment is regulated by several key hormones that create a sense of connection and help us to develop meaningful bonds with others. Dopamine and oxytocin are two of the primary “happiness hormones” responsible for creating these attachments and behave a little bit differently throughout the various stages of relationship and bonding. 

The early stages of a romantic relationship leave us feeling high as a result of the hormones that are released with the epigenetic phenomenon of falling in love. This physical rush comes about with the chemical cocktail of dopamine and norepinephrine that’s produced when we feel an intense connection to someone. This feeling lights us up and activates the nervous system in similar ways to the fight-or-flight response. Dopamine is the major hormone related to the brain’s anticipation and reward pathway and is released in high levels when we feel chemistry with another person. 

This surge of dopamine explains why we feel almost addicted to a potent connection in the earlier stages of attraction and relationship, and over time, the intensity begins to fade. While many people associate this process with “losing the spark”, there is a more complex endocrinological process occurring as our connection to another becomes more rooted in trust and security than passion and excitement; you can think of dopamine as the reward (or in this case, attraction) hormone, whereas oxytocin claims the title of the body’s love hormone.

This biological process has been critical in our evolution; humans are social creatures and we depend on one another for growth, safety, and a sense of belonging. We build families and communities to foster this togetherness, and a romantic partnership is one of the foundational components of these larger social structures.The release of oxytocin (from the same region of the brain where dopamine is produced) helps us to develop close bonds with our loved ones.

As babies, we depend on our human attachments for survival, and while this dependency lessons as we age and are better able to take care of ourselves, we never truly lose the deep, driving need for connection. Studies have shown that just being around infants releases the neuropeptide oxytocin in the body, which helps us form strong bonds and is essential in the development and regulation of our social behaviours. This is a survival mechanism that creates the necessary attachments to be cared for when we’re most vulnerable, but the same hormone is released within our close interpersonal relationships many years down the road. Babies make us fall in love with them simply by existing, but how do we promote the production of oxytocin as we build relationships with others?

1) Practice empathy

As with all of the emotional and cognitive responses related to oxytocin, the connection to empathy is a two-way street. When we develop our ability to step into our partner’s shoes and become more aware of their perspective, we begin to feel closer to them and produce more oxytocin to strengthen our bond. While this bond deepens, so does our empathy, and the body continues to release oxytocin to strengthen the attachment to our partner. 

2) Build trust

As we learn more about our partner, support one another through challenging times, make ourselves vulnerable and are met with compassion and understanding, our sense of security with this person grows stronger. Over time, our oxytocin levels will increase along with the greater trust developed within the relationship. Once we come to believe our partner is a safe place, the sense of risk and vulnerability begins to dissipate and we might be able to tap into bolder, more expansive parts of ourselves we were unable to access on our own.

3) Lean in

Studies have shown that physical closeness (when trust and intimacy are present) boosts oxytocin levels. Affectionate physical touch, skin-on-skin contact, sex, and eye gazing all promote the release of this love hormone. This physical intimacy in a romantic partnership is a powerful happiness hack, strengthening the pathways and nurturing the receptors related to our love hormones. Make time for cuddling, offer your partner a massage, and don’t forget the sweet simplicity of holding hands. 

4) Communicate openly

Positive, honest communication strengthens the bond of a partnership and promotes a greater production of oxytocin. When communication breaks down in a relationship, we’re in trouble. Remember: not all conflict is negative and should be completely avoided; instead, work on communicating your fears, frustration, and challenges with courage and grace. Both partners need to be open and authentic in their communication to build trust and create a safe space where everyone is heard, boundaries are honoured, and needs are met. It’s also important to communicate your love and appreciation for your partner; words of affirmation are powerful, and sharing them frequently and with sincerity cultivates closeness and creates a healthy attachment. 

5) Make room for activities

There are natural peaks and valleys in relationships, and sometimes we just need a bit of personal space. But allowing ourselves to drift away from our partner for too long can create a rift that becomes increasingly difficult to repair over time. Spending quality time with your loved one - especially while engaging in activities that are shown to boost endorphins and oxytocin on their own - is an effective way to increase the production of this important love hormone. Take a yoga class with your love, make a playlist together, walk to the park and hang out on the swings, or surprise your partner with a picnic. Creating time and space for play, creativity, and joy will foster a closeness that feeds those neural pathways related to connection and intimacy.

It’s important to remember that happiness is a practice: the more you work on it, the easier it is to access. This applies to relationships just as much as it does with our individual happiness and sense of fulfillment. The more aware we become of the thoughts and feelings we’re feeding, the better able we are to cultivate positive, healthy connections in our lives. Oxytocin can actually reshape neural circuitry as a result of environmental stimuli, decision making, and the habits we feed. 

This relationship between the physical and emotional bodies is a fascinating example of the way our thoughts and feelings impact (and to some degree, govern) our biological responses. The mind-body connection is powerful, but also malleable; remember that you have the ability to rewire your brain through your thought patterns, choices and behaviours. 

Oxytocin is a dynamic hormone capable of encouraging a deep sense of closeness and connection; however, it’s not enough to fix a toxic relationship. If you find yourself in a partnership that is continually breaking your heart, or you notice your dependence on another is causing you to feel disempowered, go back to a place of self love and compassion. Deepen the bond you have with yourself and fall in love with being alive. You can hack your own happiness with a growth mindset, a profound sense of trust and belief in yourself, and finding purpose within your communities.